Met vriendelijke groet / kind regards,
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People establish genuine connections when they bring the intention to really understand and stick to that, no matter what. If people do, you’ll ‘know’ it. And all of us know people who can and did. Many would like to master making real connections, however didn’t get there (yet). Due to the fact they are not fully mastering the skills they need to do so (yet) or they (still) encounter one or more blocks that prevent them from doing so. Often these people work hard, give a lot and just need a little but more background and a few perspective changes by structured, firm and compassionate support to be able to embrace the obstacles they (still) have and will encounter. Encountering new obstacles, they sure will! As they grow into their new level.
Do you recognize,
- telling your manager you would like to carry out a project which would clearly benefit the organization and it’s customers, but up till today, your project isn’t up and running?
- requesting your team member to call a client, which he still didn’t do?
- getting results that justify product adjustments, but still, there’s no one listening and action is even further away?
- wanting to move forward, but your team requests your time and energy?
- knowing someone is beyond capable to carry out his or her assignment, but somehow, the task isn’t accomplished (yet)?
How to deal with - or prevent these holds?
By naming the feedback you experience, listen beyond yourself, keeping your mouth shut and touch upon 2 things max at a time. In fact, these skills tremendously help you establishing the real contact you need to progress.
What do these skills get you differently than you do get now?
Naming what you experience results in:
Result #1: The opening you need. Not just a No. Instead, the reason, thoughts, perspectives, obstacles underlying the No. For which you both can probably figure out a solution or at least a next action.
Result #2: The real block. The real, surprisingly often practical, block that prevents people from taking the action you want them to take.
Result #3: The action that does work. No pushing. However the action that gets you on the way you want to go.
Listening beyond yourself gives you:
Result #4: A new perspective on your request. The chance to learn and improve, instead of staffing and building upon on your own perspectives only.
Result #5: The opening to a 3rd way. A way you can’t see on your own. A way you need others for in order for it to reveal itself. Keep this in mind if you share an idea, a concern, a conclusion. This is why a team is doing better than individuals on their own.
Result #6: The actual move forward into the 3rd way. The first action step to take the 3rd way and make it happen. Because as you needed other people’s support to see this 3rd way, you need them too to make good use of this 3rd way.
Keeping your mouth shut leads to:
Result #7: Leading the conversation. You know what you want to discuss. And you don’t need to convince yourself your topic is worth moving forward, do you? If the initiative to spend time and energy on a topic, if you deem the topic worth the effort, than just name it as clear and concise as you can, and give it the space to grow where you showed it. As long as you know what you’re up to, and you don’t give in to talking people into something, to literally speak yourself for most of the time, you take the lead. And in the end, you than can simply decide (for yourself). You are in it for a reason, crystal clear to you. So, don’t defend yourself, explain too much. Let people form their own thoughts. Those thoughts are what you need at this stage to be able to move on, maybe to even make a jump. Ask questions and be aware you need to keep your mouth shut for most of the time to get most out of the conversation.
Result #8: Receiving the thoughts, concerns of others in their own words. For which they need time to formulate them. Giving people space, time to formulate their own thoughts and speak up. Remember, they aren’t equally prepared on the topic you brought as you are.
Result #9: Respect from others. Don’t push, don’t assume, just wait.
Touching upon 2 things max. gets you:
Result #10: Undistracted attention. 2 things are doable to focus on in the moment. 2 clearly stated questions can probably be taken time for right away. And otherwise an appointment can be made.
Result #11: Enough depth on each topic. Deeming things done, making a decision or needing further action. Just these, no room to go beyond them. But everything, every level of depth you need, for them.
Result #12: An OK, at ease. No other agenda’s, other points. This is what I stick to, so you can safely do to. Only this, and no, I don’t unpleasantly come up with another question at the end. If a conclusion or a decision has to made, it will be made from the max. 2 topics I gave you. You can focus, I won’t unpleasantly get you where you don’t want to be.
If you too want to reach out for real connection then request my free ‘How to Reach Out for People You Care For’ scripts. Which can be used for all kinds of conversations, e.g. face-to-face, in calls and in meetings. 4 scripts:
- to address concerns in a way they are dealt with,
- to share ideas for better and get listened to,
- to get answers to your questions,
- and to request and receive support.